tonight, i had an uplifting and over due conversation.

the feelings and thoughts in my head right now can only be explained through lyrics.

 i'm not yours, and you're not mine. but we can sit and pass the time. no fighting wars, no ringing chimes. we're just  feeling fine. this is where we're supposed to be, sitting by a broken tree. no tragedy no poetry just staring at the sun. i could wait a thousand hours, stay the same in sun and showers, pick apart a hundred flowers.. just to be quiet. tell me when you feel ready. i'm the one, there's not too many. hold my hand to keep me steady just to be quiet with you. i like it here beside you dear. you're even more than you appear and in the clouds my head is clear every time you say hello. here's my heart and here's my mouth, and i can't help if things come out cause there are words i want to hear, maybe i'll stay low.

"don't make decisions when you're angry; don't make promises when you're happy."

i'm not sure who said that first, but in my case it's the truest thing ever. anyway, tonight i saw scott pilgram vs. the world at a drive in with alyx, zach, kaidee, and olivia. i loved it. most definitely the best movie i've seen in a long time. i would like to own it. i got home a minute ago and am now listening to the nightmare before christmas soundtrack and looking at beautiful photography. basically this is what i prefer to do in the late night hours when i'm alone.

i had a realization today. i was driving to my great grandma's birthday party and i had the coraline soundtrack playing as i went through the green hills and windy roads. the music along with the environment just gave me chills. it made me think back to when the movie coraline first came out, and how amazing i felt about it. that movie is just indescribable. henry selick never fails to make me love life a million times more than i did before i watched his creations. anyways, i thought about how i was in a serious relationship at that time, and how i discovered and experienced a lot of fantasticly magical things while i was with that boy. i then realized that all of those magical things that i discovered were not directly or at all related to him. i was just with him at the time... before when i would listen to a certain song or think about an experience i had loved, i would get sad because he was no longer there to give me that feeling. but he had nothing to do with those experiences. it was separate. my mind somehow completely combined the two. all this time i have been relating the fun times/music/movies/ that i found and stuff....directly to him being my boyfriend. oh how it feels to break that subconscious link. my dreary thoughts of loss have vanquished. (kind of)

it's my inspirations and experiences that made me feel whole and in love.  

Goodbye Summer

summer is over.

holy chiz! 

time for autumn. a beautiful season. school and halloween. jackets and pants! i am more than ready. i can feel the excitement literally running through my body. camping trips before it snows, and all the craziness of a new atmosphere. oh yes. oh yes.

time for a post.

k, i'm not anti-anything. i'm only anti you know....discrimination...murder....rape.....all that kind of stuff. i let people live how they like without judging. i have a lot of friends who drink and stuff and it's fine! but tonight i couldn't take it anymore. one of my best guy friends who usually doesn't drink (he hadn't since junior high until the umm...football game..) decided to get tipsy. then he tried to make out with me and he wouldn't stop trying. eiojei;ofoijgf. i didn't appreciate it. then i went home and got a few drunk texts and calls from a couple different people. and when i stopped answering...voice mails. tonight it is too much.

so there is that. then i have my other friends. the ones that have never tried alcohol or done drugs. they get to be too much too. because of their lack of understanding. i feel like some of my friends don't get real life. i dunno, i can't explain. i love my best friends. the girls who are pure as far as drugs, alcohol and sex goes. none of my best girl friends do any of that kind of stuff. i'm proud of them, regardless of how they make me want to pull my hair out sometimes.

my best guy friends on the other hand.... even the ones who are "above the influence" are so into hooking up and all of that fun stuff! again, it's their lives and i don't mind normally. 

the point is i want to find someone who is just letting other people live...but not falling into the bad stuff themselves. the only people i know who are like that are so self righteous and they just seriously bash on everyone else. wait scratch that.. the only GUYS. i know a few awesome girls who are on my boat. my night has been so UGHGHGHGH.

 and these are the thoughts that sprouted from it.

Me

i love myself, i do.. but i feel like the not complete version. i need to organize my life in order to achieve what want. structured i need structured. first i would like a day planner. second i would like to lose my ridiculously over powering trait of procrastination. then.. viola, things will be perfect.

okay i just had a really good idea. so what better to do than blog about it? so i don't forget (cause i will). i recently got the bed i've been wanting since forever. it's one of those full sized, low to the ground, black amazing beds you buy at ikea. so something definitely needs to be above it or the wall seems empty and unused. i bought a shelf awhile ago to go above it, but there was a dent on one of the corners so i returned it. i'm ordering a LIGHTS poster and i decided it would be really cool if i got a livelavalive poster to go with it, and MAYBE an owl city one (if there are any cool ones...cause the only one i saw on the website wasn't really). but i think those three posters would look amazing above my bed! and they would just be right above the new shelf i buy. the idea made me really super excited because i love lights, adam young, and mitchell davis so much. my room is really coming together. i'll post a picture when it's all done.

Jack Johnson

jack johnson was a super fantastical ex-ter-a magical show. he performed perfectly because he is jack johnson and although we had grass tickets it was still amazing. i loved singing along to all of the songs with my little brother loudly so everyone knew we were true fans.

Friends

old friends.

i love them. 

LIGHTS

lights. oh how i can't wait to meet her next time she comes to salt lake. if perfection had a name ^^^^

i know who i want to be.

i am almost exactly that person. i am living my life and imagining the changes. not changes.. extensions. i want to express myself freely. i do that everyday. the clothes i wear are always significant to me. i never buy something unless it connects with a memory or expresses something i want to express. except some days i can't find the outfit in my closet...those are the days i am uncomfortable with myself. i can't buy all the things i want all the time. but i still do a pretty good job being and showing me. white hair. check. ah it makes me proud when i look in the mirror. i don't drink soda and i don't eat meat. self control is a really self fulfilling thing i practice. of course aside from that i don't do drugs. i'm not against them for the most part...its whatever. but it isn't for my body. something about the person i want to be is that i want to be able to run for miles on end without stopping. i need to keep trying. i could count the miles i ran this week on one hand. i would like to add service to my life. i want to devote some time to helping others. i have done small things which is good for now. in my future, though, i plan on traveling to a place that can use my help to make lives better. and one day when i have money of my own (considering that right now my bank account balance is about $8.15) i will always have some to give to people in need. i want to plant some trees...pick up garbage maybe? something to make our beautiful Earth a little cleaner. ive been called a tree hugger/dirty hippie. i love our planet and i want it to be perfect. i need to help because i don't think i really do right now. i'm not an excessive user and i try to conserve, but i would like to actually give back, as apposed to only taking a little. as far as material things go, before college i want to buy a nice camera to capture every moment with. that's my big purchase goal. my bedroom is perfect just how i wanted it. ikea i love you. big weight off my shoulders. (: the reason for the snowy road picture is this. i snowboard, but i snowboard poorly. im going to get decent this winter so i can really say its something i do. i love winter, which reminds me. its almost fall. oh i love fall. it's my season.

end of jabber.

Best Friends

BEST FRIENDS.

 if only all our moments were on video. i have this undying feeling that alyx needs to be on snl right now, with me and sarah back stage to give her inspiration. with us three together you never know what to expect.

the inside jokes are everlasting and evergrowing. this happens when you have been friends as long as we have. we have been through so much together and gotten in so many fights that i think we have finally realized we will all ALWAYS be friends and there is no point in trying to deny it.

jokes?

from back in the old days up until today:

hi, i'm abraham alyx. and i'm lincoln lennyx.

EMOS UNITE

the hot chick is our national movie

i have my magic stew pot!

but ms haight, i don't have an independent reading buuuook

you're a nerrrrrrrd

drop kick the caterpillar!

uuuuuuaaaagghhghghgh plsslkf pppzxccvxz (exaggerating our throw up sounds)

ich lerne doitch in mine doitcha classe. das ist nicht gut. ich nicht like mein lehre

everything mr pope ever did.

sarah trying to speak german

tonight, we're breakin the law!

best friends. forever. don't ruin this perfect day.

sarah and alyx if you remember more text them to me and i'll add them.

Backyard Things

Camping?

we wanted a fire to make smores. but since it had just rained...we had no luck. the storm chasin' crew had to cook our smores in doors. still fun and delicious.

Full Circle

as of late.

lately, the universe has been taking me full circle. it may be subconscious and completely my fault that the same old stuff is popping up. i guess i need to send the universe a message letting it know i'm ready to step forward to conquer new trials and happiness.

every night.

i come home feeling like this. like um.... my life is hopeless. i'm so lonely. my ex boyfriends from when i was five in junior high are awful. half the people i know think lies about me. all i am is judged. it's hard handling certain things on your own. and i am entirely on my own. i'm like the girl in beetle juice when she's writing her suicide letter thats how cool i am! and what sucks is when people get like me they do things to make them feel better. i personally am not a self destructive person. so i can run.... but that high lasts about ten minutes after i'm done. i can try and pretend like things will get better. i do that every morning. i wake up like yeah life rools! at the end of the day i'm like..

effffffff.