a long time ago, everything was fresh. nothing was old news, because even the old things were exciting and full of magic. this feeling of freshness was only in one girl's perspective, as she was new to the world. her life was an empty book put simply. she could, and did, imagine and make up whatever she wanted to. the pages would be temporarily written on, until she changed her mind or thought of greater ways of spashing her life together. everyone was good and everything was pure. it took very little to make her happy. she didn't wonder about the future, because that was a job for her grown up self. the lady who had lost all ability and interest in pretending, the one whose pages were being heavily filled with ink, the girl who didn't feel the curiosity. because now, everything is old news.

i wish i could stop painful feelings of betrayal and loss. i wish i could feel the way i felt before i missed the shots i had. i wish he hadn't been so munipulative, and i wish i had known how to handle my anger. i wish i could go back and undo my brutal words. i wish he would do the same. i wish i didn't have to change my mind so often because you can't take back what you say. i wish it were easier to forgive but more i wish there was nothing to forgive. i wish i still felt whole, and i wish i knew what i should do about it, whatever it is. it is my anger, sadness, and confusion. i really, really wish i had a solid ground to walk on.

my top inspirational music artists:

lights, owl city, regina spektor, frankmusik, keane, the maccabees, the wombats, matt and kim, muse, lily allen, the flaming lips, depeche mode, gwen stefani, david bowie, danny elfman, john denver, passion pit, cold play, maroon 5, the hush sound, cat stevens, jack johnson, john mayer, ok go, panic at the disco, and others... things like plug in stereo or romance on a rocketship

mainly it is lights and adam young that i just can't even explain my love for. i can't put it into words. and i'm too tired to put together the sentences. electronic music with beautiful roots and optimistic lyrics. 

Yes

yes.

As Of Late

my life as of late:

i always make rash decisions when i'm angry. i see myself as a logical person not blinded by any indoctrination or stubborn ideas, but i still have some really ridiculous thoughts. although i'm not half as ignorant as i once was, i'm still worried i might be out of some loop. i have up these defenses that i, myself, try to tear down at every corner at the same time as they are being built. that is wear my self conflict comes in. i pretend like it isn't there, but that is a joke. it's there and has been for awhile now. i don't know when the dilemma was created, but i'm doing my best to end it. everything is a big argument in my head. i'm an angry person and i think i like the heat. but it doesn't work out to be mad and conflicted all the time. i need to clear my head. i want to be strong, but i am letting myself be weak.

endo! 

1. people are messed up
2. i have to drop those people
3. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore
4. i'm still waiting for that someone
5. i wonder how long i'll be waiting

.........such is life

every time someone fails to give me what i want them to, i have to focus more on myself. i was really hoping something would happen with this guy, but it's okay. i'm buying my year pass to the rec tomorrow (i don't care if everyone goes to 24, i feel cozy at the rec). my hair is being done in two weeks, i just got my dream toms, and i'm ordering this stuffff from urban right now. bettering myself replaces what i didn't get from someone else. you really can't depend on others for your happiness and i'm not saying that in a bitter way. more like in a factual way.