Family Things

I got on Family Search tonight for the first time basically ever. And it was amazing. Family really is everything. And I saved some things. This first drawing is one of my grandpa's, not from family search. Everything else is.

Art by Jon Burton as always. My grandpa who is definitely still alive.

My Great Grandma and Grandpa Hatch. Grandma Hatch was beautiful and I think that's where the looks came from on my Hatch side of the family. Grandpa Hatch was always smiling as far as I can remember. I just remember him having a loving presence.

Great Grandma and Grandpa Mann. Of all my great grandparents I think I had the closest relationship with them.

I'm going to add to this collection as I can. There aren't enough pictures on Family Search. I'm going to get portraits of all my great grandparents to put together in a collage, and I'll do the same for Ryan. It is so important to remember where we came from and who has our backs on the other side of the veil. And reading the life stories of my grandparents makes me want to straighten my posture and just work harder at life.

Family is a blessing.

I have also started saving art by my Great Grandpa Dave Burton.

Like I Used To

Tonight I was doing some homework online and writing notes in my journal when I decided to put in my headphones and listen to a song I hadn't listened to in a long time. It was one of those songs I used to LOVE, and then over time I just totally forgot about it. 

The album came out in fall of 2011 when I was a freshman living in the dorms at SUU. I used to get on Tumblr every morning after French class and every night after going to the gym. I'd blast, I mean BLAST, music in my headphones for hours at a time while blogging and writing in my paper journal. It was a therapeutic practice for me that I've been doing in one form or another since I was old enough to write my name on paper. 

My grandma is the person who started my love for journaling. She used to have me sit down and draw whatever I could, and write whatever I knew how to. If I couldn't write what I wanted to say, she would write it for me. 

It's not like I've written in a journal every day of my life, but I have always had some kind of journal going at any given time.

So back to tonight. 

As soon as I put this song on, I got chills and felt a flood of emotion. Here's why: I never stopped journaling, and I never stopped listening to music. But it has been A REALLY LONG TIME since I truly sat down to be with myself and just let go of life outside of me for a second. I underlined that because there is a HUGE difference between writing a journal entry just to fill the page up or hurry and post some photos on my blog, and REALLY sitting with myself to write and explore the creative space that I have within me. 

I started drawing/doodling again just a week ago. It was like feeling the sun after months of being cold. I'm not kidding. It made me so happy and so sad at the same time. I'm not much of an artist and I've never considered it to be that important, and now I know I actually need to draw regularly for my own happiness. Just because I'm not a professional artist doesn't mean it isn't important for self-expression. 

I feel like I've been hurrying through the motions of life in so may ways, for way too long. I don't really know why. But now I remember what it feels like to not do that. To just sit and THINK and LEARN and CREATE and not look at a clock. It feels really good. Thank goodness I found that again. 

This thought-spill isn't meant to compare myself now to my old self, but just to remember to give myself the time to enjoy the small moments in life, and to develop my own creativity for reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else or anything but my own personal happiness. 

Yosemite National Park

Ryan and I got to explore a little bit around Yosemite over the weekend, which was a nice change of pace for a couple of days. We didn't have a lot of time but we got to do an 11 mile hike that gave us an incredible view of the valley. It was the Yosemite Lower/Upper falls hike, and then we just hiked up even more until we got to the best view. When we first went into the valley I wasn't sure if this was the place for me because it is really a place for rock climbers, but we found the hikes after a few minutes of searching. Ryan actually did some climbing and it was his first time ever climbing outdoors.

A bonus aspect of going to Yosemite in October is getting to see the changing leaves. It was beautiful. 

One Month In

Moving out of state is a big deal. Because when you move your whole life shifts. The brain has to work harder to do simple things like drive to the grocery store. The muscle memory of daily living is all gone. At work I'm suddenly not the person people go to with questions. I'm the one asking all the questions. When people tell me what city they grew up in I usually have no idea where it is. I feel like I am giving people blank stares all day long. 

Even though I'm just a couple of states away from Utah, the culture here is different. The laws are different. The nature is different. It's all wonderful, but so different. Actually no, it's not all wonderful. The heroin problem in San Francisco really sucks. What the heck is going on there? ANYWAY...

I am having to be with myself more. This is a good thing. I am realizing the amount of self discipline I have. It is more than I thought it was. I am learning how content I am with being alone. It doesn't bother me. I used to spend a lot of time alone. Then I lost that part of myself for a few years. I am finding it again. 

I actually kind of like waking up before the sun... that is something I never knew I could feel. My new job has me up before the sun most days. I cherish being able to listen to my favorite podcasts on my drive to work while I soak in the sunrise and plant life all around. One ritual I enjoy is stopping at the grocery store for a drink on my way to work. I don't do it everyday, but I look forward to it when I do.

Moving has gotten me out of comfort and into growth. It is the time for me to make small adjustments that will get me somewhere different in my future. I am finally in school again after a 3 1/2 year hiatus. I am earning more money than I was in Utah, partly because I'm working more, and that is a good thing. My marriage is being tested. Ryan and I are really in the thick of things together. We see all of each other and that can be scary. I don't like having someone who can see all of my flaws so close up. But it is necessary to have someone who will hold a mirror up to you. Not fun. But necessary. 

I am seeing myself more clearly than ever at this time. It is terrifying. Truly terrifying. It's like all of my excuses and false beliefs have been stripped from me, and now I'm left with what is. 

California has given me a really big opportunity to level up. Now it's up to me to choose what I am going to do with it.

On another note, I love having a new apartment to decorate and have fun with. Putting our home together has brought me so much joy. Ryan is just as opinionated as I am when it comes to our home and I thought that would be annoying, but it has made it way better actually because our home feels like a perfect combination of the two of us. He is also very proactive about searching for furniture and making things look nice and it is awesome. He is amazing that's for sure.