Halloween Weekend

happy halloween.

i plan on wearing this costume today, just like yesterday, and tomorrow.

tonight i'm going to p a r t y with my girls
and tomorrow i'm watching all my favorite movies,
hopefully making halloween treats.
j'adore halloween

i have the thoughts, i have the mind, it works rather well.
what i'm lacking is the words, the actual communication
it's there, i feel it, i understand it until i try to explain
when i try to explain it gets fuzzy and weird
like it's no longer a complete thought, now i've confused myself.
i thank god for the people who take my thoughts and speak them to me clearly
they don't know me but they know themselves, and a part of us agrees
they say it, what is in my mind but never on paper
they put it on that paper and say it to who listens
it's so personal
spiritual for me
eff mrs brown and her babble
i'll take that cup of tea
the intellect i've heard vibrates through my muscles
i should analyze a dictionary
speak that other language
comprehend more than happy and sad
though simplicity is a brilliant thing
these subjects take that word and multiply the letters
until they infest the souls of all humans

October
automne
leaves falling crunching
like in fifth grade and in my front yard
autumn is the reason for the season
that expression doesn't even work in this case
i don't care, l'automne est la raison de la saison
i'm going to write a french song and use that line, i'll sound cultured and oh so clever

oh and the best part? gives my favorite movies and sketches a good atmosphere for viewing 

mitchell davis.
oh how i wish you were mine.

a long time ago, everything was fresh. nothing was old news, because even the old things were exciting and full of magic. this feeling of freshness was only in one girl's perspective, as she was new to the world. her life was an empty book put simply. she could, and did, imagine and make up whatever she wanted to. the pages would be temporarily written on, until she changed her mind or thought of greater ways of spashing her life together. everyone was good and everything was pure. it took very little to make her happy. she didn't wonder about the future, because that was a job for her grown up self. the lady who had lost all ability and interest in pretending, the one whose pages were being heavily filled with ink, the girl who didn't feel the curiosity. because now, everything is old news.

i wish i could stop painful feelings of betrayal and loss. i wish i could feel the way i felt before i missed the shots i had. i wish he hadn't been so munipulative, and i wish i had known how to handle my anger. i wish i could go back and undo my brutal words. i wish he would do the same. i wish i didn't have to change my mind so often because you can't take back what you say. i wish it were easier to forgive but more i wish there was nothing to forgive. i wish i still felt whole, and i wish i knew what i should do about it, whatever it is. it is my anger, sadness, and confusion. i really, really wish i had a solid ground to walk on.

my top inspirational music artists:

lights, owl city, regina spektor, frankmusik, keane, the maccabees, the wombats, matt and kim, muse, lily allen, the flaming lips, depeche mode, gwen stefani, david bowie, danny elfman, john denver, passion pit, cold play, maroon 5, the hush sound, cat stevens, jack johnson, john mayer, ok go, panic at the disco, and others... things like plug in stereo or romance on a rocketship

mainly it is lights and adam young that i just can't even explain my love for. i can't put it into words. and i'm too tired to put together the sentences. electronic music with beautiful roots and optimistic lyrics. 

Yes

yes.

As Of Late

my life as of late:

i always make rash decisions when i'm angry. i see myself as a logical person not blinded by any indoctrination or stubborn ideas, but i still have some really ridiculous thoughts. although i'm not half as ignorant as i once was, i'm still worried i might be out of some loop. i have up these defenses that i, myself, try to tear down at every corner at the same time as they are being built. that is wear my self conflict comes in. i pretend like it isn't there, but that is a joke. it's there and has been for awhile now. i don't know when the dilemma was created, but i'm doing my best to end it. everything is a big argument in my head. i'm an angry person and i think i like the heat. but it doesn't work out to be mad and conflicted all the time. i need to clear my head. i want to be strong, but i am letting myself be weak.

endo! 

1. people are messed up
2. i have to drop those people
3. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore
4. i'm still waiting for that someone
5. i wonder how long i'll be waiting

.........such is life

every time someone fails to give me what i want them to, i have to focus more on myself. i was really hoping something would happen with this guy, but it's okay. i'm buying my year pass to the rec tomorrow (i don't care if everyone goes to 24, i feel cozy at the rec). my hair is being done in two weeks, i just got my dream toms, and i'm ordering this stuffff from urban right now. bettering myself replaces what i didn't get from someone else. you really can't depend on others for your happiness and i'm not saying that in a bitter way. more like in a factual way.

Senior Life

being a senior,

is how i told myself it would be. i knew this year would be the one without unnecessary heart break, and the one where i'm working hard and fast toward my future. i knew i would be away from the people i had been surrounded by more often but that is okay. i still have my amazing friends and i still have fun all the time. it's a busy year. i'm so much more defined than i was sophomore year, and i'm so much smarter than i was junior year. i've learned about being hurt, lied to, lied about, social and personal aspects of life. now i can learn medical terms and memorize the pastry list at kneaders. i can enjoy and appreciate people for who they are. and i can enjoy the world so much.