The House That Was Always There

Lately I have been going insane with trying to make sure I am keeping tangible records of where I came from. I have got a fire burning inside me to keep the memories of my grandparents and ancestors alive. I think I feel life speeding up so much right now that I need to know the past is being honored and not forgotten. That way I can feel ready to move forward.

I was still really young when my great grandparents all moved out of their homes and into retirement communities. I had nothing to do with the process of moving furniture and important valuables after they passed away or making sure photos were taken of their homes and precious things. I am sure that was all sorted out properly because they have responsible children, but I sit here now wondering where all their heirlooms went and wishing I at least had a copy of pictures to hold onto instead of just the memories in my brain.

But instead of feeling stressed about the things I have no control over, I decided to move forward with what I can control. 

I am going to write about the house that was always there.

My grandma and grandpa moved out of their home in Glendale and into a new one in Riverton last year. It was sad for me. My parents moved around a lot and my grandparents house was one of the only constants I had in my life. I took dozens of pictures on my phone while my mom and grandma were packing up the last of the items left in the house. Luckily I know there are a lot of photos of the different rooms over the years so I didn't have to worry too much about that, but I wanted to photograph the details. I want to make sure I remember, and that my future children can at least know it existed.

I want to remember the way the light hit the front yard at sunset. I want to remember counting the ants on the cracked cement in the back yard. I want to remember the summer days I spent picking plums and cherries in the backyard, and then cooling off with the hose and literally sitting in a plastic bucket filled with water. I want to remember picking mint leaves and eating them or making mint tea. I want to remember all the summer parties with sticky watermelon and kids playing in the sandbox.

I want to remember sitting inside during snowy nights with the family squished between the couch seats. I want to remember the smell of pine that came from the Christmas tree and the warmth of the wood burning stove. I want to remember making gingerbread cookies with my grandma in the kitchen and her not being bothered by the mess. I want to remember the laughter while the family performed skits for each other. I want to remember watching plays that the grandkids put together on the stage.

Luckily the family is all still here and we get to enjoy many of the same things in their new house. But it is really special when you spend years upon years making memories in the same home. I will really treasure that house in my heart forever. 

Our New Home

Here are some snapshots of the things we have experienced in our new home in Northern California. There is so much more to explore and discover and I look forward to every minute of it.

Family Things

I got on Family Search tonight for the first time basically ever. And it was amazing. Family really is everything. And I saved some things. This first drawing is one of my grandpa's, not from family search. Everything else is.

Art by Jon Burton as always. My grandpa who is definitely still alive.

My Great Grandma and Grandpa Hatch. Grandma Hatch was beautiful and I think that's where the looks came from on my Hatch side of the family. Grandpa Hatch was always smiling as far as I can remember. I just remember him having a loving presence.

Great Grandma and Grandpa Mann. Of all my great grandparents I think I had the closest relationship with them.

I'm going to add to this collection as I can. There aren't enough pictures on Family Search. I'm going to get portraits of all my great grandparents to put together in a collage, and I'll do the same for Ryan. It is so important to remember where we came from and who has our backs on the other side of the veil. And reading the life stories of my grandparents makes me want to straighten my posture and just work harder at life.

Family is a blessing.

I have also started saving art by my Great Grandpa Dave Burton.

Like I Used To

Tonight I was doing some homework online and writing notes in my journal when I decided to put in my headphones and listen to a song I hadn't listened to in a long time. It was one of those songs I used to LOVE, and then over time I just totally forgot about it. 

The album came out in fall of 2011 when I was a freshman living in the dorms at SUU. I used to get on Tumblr every morning after French class and every night after going to the gym. I'd blast, I mean BLAST, music in my headphones for hours at a time while blogging and writing in my paper journal. It was a therapeutic practice for me that I've been doing in one form or another since I was old enough to write my name on paper. 

My grandma is the person who started my love for journaling. She used to have me sit down and draw whatever I could, and write whatever I knew how to. If I couldn't write what I wanted to say, she would write it for me. 

It's not like I've written in a journal every day of my life, but I have always had some kind of journal going at any given time.

So back to tonight. 

As soon as I put this song on, I got chills and felt a flood of emotion. Here's why: I never stopped journaling, and I never stopped listening to music. But it has been A REALLY LONG TIME since I truly sat down to be with myself and just let go of life outside of me for a second. I underlined that because there is a HUGE difference between writing a journal entry just to fill the page up or hurry and post some photos on my blog, and REALLY sitting with myself to write and explore the creative space that I have within me. 

I started drawing/doodling again just a week ago. It was like feeling the sun after months of being cold. I'm not kidding. It made me so happy and so sad at the same time. I'm not much of an artist and I've never considered it to be that important, and now I know I actually need to draw regularly for my own happiness. Just because I'm not a professional artist doesn't mean it isn't important for self-expression. 

I feel like I've been hurrying through the motions of life in so may ways, for way too long. I don't really know why. But now I remember what it feels like to not do that. To just sit and THINK and LEARN and CREATE and not look at a clock. It feels really good. Thank goodness I found that again. 

This thought-spill isn't meant to compare myself now to my old self, but just to remember to give myself the time to enjoy the small moments in life, and to develop my own creativity for reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else or anything but my own personal happiness.