As I was on the elliptical trying to get in my workout for the day, I started thinking. What is my purpose for coming to the gym? Why do I get mad at myself for eating tons of processed food and then go on these green drink binges? What am I accomplishing? Is this healthy for my mind?
I used to exercise for me. I used to get up everyday EXCITED to get in my work out. I loved running that extra mile, and I loved going to the fitness classes my community offered. Exercise was a mental cleansing for me. It was therapeutic. I also loved the food I ate. I loved my all natural pp&j sandwiches on whole wheat bread and my banana-spinach protein shakes. All of these things I did for myself.
But there has been a change in why I am exercising and trying to be healthy. I look on Facebook and Instagram at all these fitness gurus. I see their before's and after's. I look at girls who used to look just like I do right now, and then I see them now with six packs and slimmer, sexier looking bodies. I follow fitness blogs with weekly meal plans, exercise routines, tips on how to stay fit and not give up. And I am trying to be like them. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and feeling so disappointed in myself for not looking like them. It's ridiculous, because everybody knows that's a trap and I'm supposed to love my body the way it is. Even those fitness models say that they eat cake too and they aren't perfect either. And that is what keeps me following them, is that illusion of, "This is reality. I did this and so can you."
And yes, that is true to an extent. I know not too deep down I have a six pack too. And I know that the workouts and meal plans actually create results to those who follow them. But the thing is, those girls are not me. I mean, one of the people I have followed for months eats green beans with every meal. Gross. That is not something I want to do.
So after thinking over this and finishing my cool down on the elliptical, I went home and cried. I cried because I have been body shaming myself for so long now, and I didn't fully realize it. My exercise and lifestyle habits have turned from something wonderful and therapeutic into something harmful. I have been insecure in myself everyday. Not only insecure of my outward appearance, but of my inner self as well.
I needed that realization so I can get back to being healthy for me, and loving myself for who I am. That is literally the only way I will ever maintain a healthy lifestyle. I have now unfollowed all of those people whose job it is to be fit, happy, and healthy for the internet, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my back.
This isn't just about the way I look. It is about how I feel about who I am. I believe self love needs to come before I can progress in any way. And I feel like I can really start to love myself again.