I just happen to have a missionary who just happens to have my heart.
This is significant enough to write about on my public blog that I know everyone reads faithfully. Well here it is, the awaited next post.
Sometimes I laugh to myself because I have never in my life considered the idea of having a missionary. Not ever. I remember the way the world turned topsy-turvy for a little while each time one of my relatives left on their missions. And I remember how life went on and I remember when they came home I cried and then within the hour it was as if they never left.
But sending someone you are in love with off for two years with no contact other than in letters and the weekly email is different. It is hard. It gives you time to take a step back and analyze your feelings for this person who used to be a very present part of your every day life without any real breaks. Every day means a new conversation, a new outing, a new experience. And really it becomes routine to be with them. Now there are only memories to hold onto and now it takes more to say "I love you" than it ever did before.
I have heard everyone's stories and everyone's opinions on sending a missionary off. At first they were relatively interesting but now they are an unasked for bore of a tale. I have realized that each couple that has been put in this situation is different. They are two unique individuals with a unique relationship, and so the way things go about for them does not reflect much on mine and Ryan's relationship.
In my opinion, the concept of "waiting" doesn't need to have as bad of a repute as it does. I guess that some girls (maybe even some boys, I don't know) take waiting to a level of pausing their own lives in order to maintain the idea of being with their missionary always. I don't really know what opportunities other people have turned down because they said they were waiting for their missionary, but I do know that dating boys is not the only subject of life and that there are a million things that can be done while at the same time waiting for a missionary.
The love I feel for Ryan has been growing consistently each and every day since spring of my senior year of high school, and he has been the one person I have held feelings for through out these last few years as I have changed and begun to mold into the person I am meant to be. He as well has somehow managed to like me through my various stages and hair styles which must mean he loves me for my soul and will love me through whatever time brings.
Being faithful to Ryan is something I knew I would do even before we said "I love you" and even before we had tested our relationship in college. I knew that I would wait for him before he felt confident that we could last with any sort of distance and before he asked me to be his girlfriend at all. I knew that Ryan was someone I would work for from the second he showed his affection, and if he hadn't I would have still worked hard for his friendship.
There have been days where being apart from Ryan hurts to the point of physical discomfort. And on those days I have asked myself if leaving him behind and searching for someone new feels like a good idea. It doesn't feel good at all. It wouldn't even be the easy way out. In reality, not waiting for Ryan would be very much the same for me as waiting for him. The only difference is that one way I am letting go of someone I love with all of my mind and heart and the other way I am keeping him.
Neither of us asked for this to happen (And now I'm acting all Harry Potter), but time has created this situation because we never let each other go, and not because we held too tightly either. It happened because it was so easy to love him from Cedar City and because nothing was ever wasted time with him. It happened because nobody is what Ryan is to me and nobody can be. He is a brilliant human being and I feel absolutely giddy that we are a part of each others lives.
I am choosing to keep him because it makes sense to me.
