Some Sunshine

I'm spending my morning reminiscing about previous camping and hiking adventures. It will only be 3 weeks until Ryan and I get to go to CAMPING AND HIKING AGAIN. We are planning a mini weekend trip when he gets one day off for "spring break". This gives me something grand to look forward to. 

But for now, I am getting a lot of joy from these pictures. These are all places we went in 2018.

View from the top of Mt Olympus

Calf Creek Falls Southern Utah

Arches National Park

Lake Blanche

Uinta Mouhtains

Tibble Fork Reservoir 

Squaw Peak Provo

Now onto my next display: Spring Flowers 2018

I took all of these pictures while I was on runs in Pleasant Grove. I cannot wait for the flowers to bloom this year.

And last of all, just some of my favorite photos from the summer.

San Diego CA

Summertime at that one thing where they ride bulls and lasso sheep and baby cows and it seems really immoral but people love it. What are those things called? Oh, rodeos. We were at a rodeo with my family.

Trinity's 5k at Sugarhouse Park. I loved running it with her!

Sunday afternoon in my grandma's front yard.

Happy February.

"What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today."

-Groundhog Day

Photo taken in Minnesota on the drive to a Hockey game

Thoughts From the Most Depressing Time of Year

My life is quite cyclical, and February tends to be a low time of year for me. I really try to enjoy the wintertime, but something about it just leaves me feeling empty by the end. I have such a complex these days with my own feelings because I have become a loyal follower and fan of life coaches like Jody Moore, who teach that we are in charge of our brains. So when I say that something MAKES me feel a certain way, another part of me thinks, no Lennyx, you are CHOOSING to feel this way based on the thoughts you are holding onto.

I can pinpoint certain daily habits that are not serving me that could be leading me into depression and anxiety, like my over-consumption of sugar. Usually it's food that I'm not even hungry for, I'm just using it as a buffer to fill the void. I also have been staying up late and waking up with little time for myself before I rush to work. Then on the days that I choose not to go to the gym I'm basically not even giving my body a chance to build up dopamine and other happy brain chemicals to give me motivation in life. And there's also the fact that I've watched several documentaries on sex trafficking in the USA and other countries in the last week. I want to be educated, but sometimes I really over-do it and consume more of the dark side of humanity than I can handle.

But regardless of my behaviors, I know the season has something major to do with the way I'm feeling. I know this because last February I went to my doctor to talk to him about my anxiety and how it was at an all time high. I didn't really want to try any more medications (to be honest I never really gave the ones I was prescribed a real chance though– whoops) but I knew I needed help and I needed to take action. My doctor listened to me and then he said, "Do you know that in the last 3 years the only time you have come to see me has been in February?" My mind was blown. He helped me realize that the winter really affects my mental health.

So now back to today. Today I woke up feeling really blah, like I have every day for the last several weeks, even on Valentine's Day! I went to work feeling like I didn't know if I could make it through the day. I just felt like quitting on life. Not because anything has changed or I've been through any kind of tragedy. Nothing has gone wrong. I have many things to look forward to and I know the sun will come out again soon. But I was just feeling at my end mentally. 

Then on my drive home from work I decided to listen to the latest podcast episode that Rachel Hollis has put out. It happened to be an interview with Joe Biden. I had no idea what to expect. My knowledge of Joe Biden started at the fact that he was the Vice President for Barack Obama, and ended at the fact that he was on an episode of Parks and Rec and Leslie Knope loved him on the show. 

Anyway, some of the things he said really got my spirits back up and made me feel motivated to get through this winter productively, and not simply survive it. I'm not going to recant what he said because I wouldn't know how to do that, but he has been able to find love, meaning, and purpose out of grief, sorrow, and pain, and that is very inspiring. 

So while I listened to Mr. Biden, I cleaned up my home, got in my workout clothes, and went to the gym. I am ready to finish my day strong. And I'm ready to have a good day tomorrow.

Jon Burton Art

Just a minuscule sample of my grandpa's art. Basically what I could find on Facebook.  

I Feel Too Much Nostalgia

What I know About Being Alive

Tonight I went through my childhood box, which is a large plastic bin full of old photos, school projects, journals, and drawings I collected from age 0 to about 13. I love looking through that old box. I feel a happy sadness, or a sad happiness, every time I do.

I get to go back in time to different eras, like when my parents were young and married, and my aunts and uncles were teenagers. I get to see what West Jordan looked like when many of its neighborhoods were still new developments. Looking at everybody I knew dressed in ninety's clothes is so fantastic.

I have a lock of my own hair in a bag from the year 2000. I don't know why it was saved. It must have been my first "major" haircut. My hair is a dark golden blonde, and it still feels just like normal hair. It's kind of gross but kind of cool to have. Does hair go bad?

Ryan and I were watching Ellen's standup special on Netflix while I was looking at my things. She has a moment where she talks about years ago, when she was sitting down and writing what it would be like to make a phone call to God. She didn't mean for it to be funny, but it was, and she knew it that moment that she'd do the bit on the Johnny Carson Show. Specific life events lead her to sit down and write that bit, and she has brought so much light to the world since then that it just made me think; the things she went through could not have been just a coincidence.

I believe that the things we go through happen for a reason and just as they are meant to. That belief could be argued, and I have played around with that idea in my mind many times. Some people have horrific things happen to them. Were those things always "meant" to be? I guess I don't really know, but I truly believe many things do happen because they are meant to for divine reasons. We are connected to all the humans that were, are, and will be, in the most intricate web ever woven. 

That would explain partly why I can feel nostalgia when I hear a song I've never even heard before, from a generation I wasn't a part of.

It's hard for me to accept change sometimes. I can feel sad looking at old photos when I realize life is not how it used to be. Even if life is actually better now it still makes me feel sad.

I am excited for the day that I won't be bound by time in the finite way I currently am. In the moments when I have felt like I have seen a glimpse of Heaven and God, I have sensed a timelessness and one-ness in all things.

I recently watched the movie It's A Wonderful Life for the first time. God was in that movie. It showed how important the actions each of us take on this Earth really are. We cause a ripple in the universe by existing. One quote that I felt summarized that whole idea really well was this: "Strange isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

Lava Hot Springs

This year marked our third time going up to Idaho for a mini-vacation after Christmas! I was truly looking forward to this all year long. I love Lava Hot Springs in the middle of winter. It is so quiet and still. The hot springs are magical and the Home Hotel that we stay at is quaint. We invited my mother and father in-law to come with us this year which was a fun bonus.

I got a new ring at the Trading Post store they have on Main Street that I'm very excited about, and I discovered some beautiful music that I'm mad I never listened to before. I didn't grow up listening to Bob Dylan so I am now making an active effort to listen to his songs. I found his song "Hurricane", and I listened to it five times in a row. I also listened to "When the Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash, which I hadn't heard in a long time. I found these songs while listening to a playlist made for the documentary Rodriguez, which started with his song "Sugar Man". There is so much music to be heard and appreciated.

On the drive home Ryan was contacted by Livermore National Labs, which he accepted a job offer with last week. He set an official start date with them of August 5th. That gives us enough time to finish Ryan's Master's degree and take a trip before we make the move to California. I am so grateful and excited.

On a side note, I ate so much chocolate this week that I am actually sick of it, and I'm breaking out all over my body. I love Christmas but I am happy it is over.

Ryan bought these slippers at Walmart on our drive up because he forgot to bring sandals for the hot springs. When me and his mom were teasing him about choosing pink women's slippers to wear he said, "I love these slippers, they're freaking cute."

To New Beginnings

This has been such a beautiful year in so many ways and I am so excited for what is to come. Ryan and I have some big changes coming our way.

dot dot dot.

Hair.

My Hair goes through many changes. I like to remember the different styles I try out. I do tend to switch it up every year or two, but even when I am not sitting in a hair salon the styles I have just tend to change, slowly over time. It is one way I can know that I am always moving forward.