So, I started November out in a big funk. I was eating poorly, which caused me to feel tired throughout my work day. I then was in survival mode all day long and just trying to make it to 4:30 when I could go home. Once I got home, I was unproductive and not engaging in any of the things that fuel my fire and give me purpose.
On November 3rd I decided to take my "funk" into my own hands. I had the desire to hire a fitness coach to hold me accountable and/or sign up for therapy. The therapy thing would have been viable because I have the insurance coverage, but a fitness coach wasn't in my budget. Luckily, I was just sick enough of myself feeling like garbage that I was actually able to pull myself out of the gutter I was in.
I started making better food choices during the day. This meant eating homemade things like green smoothies, cooked sweet potatoes, meat balls, bacon and eggs, lots of fruits (mostly berries) and roasted veggies, etc. I was making sure I ate enough because in the past when I've tried going full "healthy", I've limited my diet so much that I just ended up binging a week or so later and ultimately going back into my overconsumption of sugary and processed foods. This time, I had snacks on hand like salted nuts and pomegranate seeds that helped me feel full at certain times of day when I'd normally reach for a treat.
And the truth is, I don't over-eat for taste or because I enjoy it. I over-eat for emotional reasons. The way I buffer away my emotions is by eating chocolate, brownies, ice cream, and other sugary things. So when I decided to stop buffering, I found that I just had to live with and sit with my own emotions. I allowed my emotions to pass through my body without trying to numb them way. This actually made me feel 100% better and also inspired action, like getting things done that I had been putting off for weeks.
Since I stopped making myself feel sick and tired through buffering with food, I had so much extra energy to use at work and at home. I started actually appreciating my job and getting more done, I also was sure that when I was running it was because I love it, and not because I felt like I needed to in order to keep my weight at bay.
Interestingly, a few days before Ryan and I were supposed to be flying to Utah, I starting feeling like I needed to buffer with food again. I have learned from Jody Moore that buffering is something we do not only to numb negative emotion, but also positive emotion. I was feeling a lot of negative AND positive emotion at the thought of flying to Utah. I was excited to see our friends and family and for the events we had planned, and I was also terrified because COVID is rampant and I have zero desire to contribute to the spread of the illness. I also wouldn't be allowed to return to work until I got a negative test once I got back to California. So what ended up happening is I ate snacks and meals that my body physically wasn't in the mood for, but my emotional state caused me to eat them anyway. I need to emphasize again that the taste of the foods had nothing to do with this. I remember eating a handful of chocolate covered almonds that did not taste good to me, but I had them as part of my coping mechanism.
I don't have a summary in mind for this post other than to point out that I know I'm totally capable of taking good care of my body, and sometimes I choose to buffer with food. I hope I can continue to get better at eating foods that will fuel me and not make me sick. It's such an emotional thing for me that I just need to be patient with myself. Part of my success in taking good care of myself will come with not punishing myself when I do have a treat, like Oreos or ice cream. Allowing myself to have that moment and then not create drama around it is a huge key to thriving physically and emotionally.
That's all folks.
