I'm in the midst of healing a migraine right now so I don't know why I'm choosing this moment to be in front of my laptop screen, but I am. I'm so frustrated with the frequency in which I get awful headaches. I should have figured out by now how to prevent these, but I haven't. I guarantee I drink more water than the majority of people on this planet. I definitely do my best to get 8 hours of sleep each night, and my diet... well maybe that's where I need to improve. I just don't know what does it. Because many days I am just fine, and then all of the sudden I feel it coming and next thing you know I'm bed ridden and feeling like a sickly person which I DON'T WANT TO BE.
Okay, so there's that. I get headaches. I feel some pressure, my vision goes blurry for a second, and then it progresses into a heaviness that hides behind my eyes. It slowly moves down the side of my head and into my neck. Once I feel it in my neck, that's when the vomiting comes.
*60 minutes later*
Okay I just took a break from writing to take a hot shower and submit my resume to a job in California.
My head is still not feeling good. At all.
The reason why I'm writing is because I suddenly felt the desire to purge all of the unhelpful thoughts I deal with and am working on changing within myself. So here I go.
1. I feel uncomfortable when I am around women that are smaller than me, especially if they are my same height but just skinnier. I usually feel like I'm a good size when it's just me looking in a mirror. But then I go out in the world and suddenly I'm not small enough anymore.
2. I doubt my own mind when somebody has an idea that's different from mine. I have a tendency to believe that what they think is probably right. Why? I don't know. I don't. Know.
3. I hate my skin color. I just hate it. I want it to be darker. My pink undertones and inability to hold a tan make me crazy.
4. I'm just going to sum up the rest of my body shaming in this one. I have gross bumps on my arms, cellulite on my backside, and my boobs aren't big enough.
5. I experience a lot of existential dread in flashes. I will just be walking casually and suddenly feel the weight of my own mortality and the vastness of the universe. It doesn't feel great. But the darkest moments come at night.
6. Every time I travel outside of Utah I get a little bit depressed because there are so many people in the world and I just can't help but feel that we are like cockroaches that are multiplying by the millions and destroying the earth.
7. I eat food I'm not hungry for just because it is there in front of me. Not a good way to be when you live in America and food is everywhere all the time.
8. I struggle to keep accountability to myself. The first chapter of Rachel Hollis's book Girl Wash Your Face had me cringing with each sentence. It is all about how we tend to keep commitments to other people but not to ourselves. We essentially have to train our brains to take ourselves seriously when we say we will do something, by DOING THAT THING. I cannot tell you how many times I've told myself I was going to wake up early for a 6 AM fitness class. Want to know how many times I did it in the last 5 years? Once.
9. Whenever I hear about how wonderful somebody was after they pass away, I have a hard time believing people will say those kinds of nice things about me when I go.
10. I love sharing information about my life, but then I make the mistake sometimes of giving too much information to somebody who maybe doesn't care. Then I wish I hadn't said anything.
Oooooookay that was fun!!!! Maybe I should contrast all that garbage with some positive things about myself.
1. I am very kind and sympathetic. I truly want to bring light to the world and make people feel valued and appreciated for who they are.
2. I have fun style and am creative with my looks.
3. I love God and strive to be guided by Him in my life. I remember to pray and I work to be guided by the Spirit.
4. I have a good relationship with everybody in my family and with all of my in-laws.
5. I am trustworthy in every way I think a person can be.
6. There are things I hate about my skin (see above), but I rarely get zits and my skin doesn't respond negatively to anything really. It's pretty indestructible.
7. I let my husband be who he is and I don't put restraints on what he can and can't do.
8. I love babies and small children and I am a good caretaker when it comes to young people. This goes back to my desire to add light into other people's lives.
9. I learn from my mistakes and take active steps to do better when I fall short. When I have had negative interactions in the past I have done what I can to make amends.
10. I love to laugh and really appreciate comedy. I don't know how funny I am but I think it's a good quality that I remember to enjoy life and not take it too seriously all the time.
Well, I don't know why I felt inspired to type all those words, but there they are. The good and the ugly.
WE CAN CHOOSE THE THOUGHTS WE HOLD ONTO. I am in an awakening stage of life where I am becoming consciously aware of so many thoughts that I wasn't before, or that I just took for fact. So much of what I have thought of as "fact", is simply a thought that can be changed. I can choose how I see the circumstances in my life, and that will affect my actions toward those circumstances. It's pretty cool to know I have all the power in my own brain.
WE CAN CHOOSE THE THOUGHTS WE HOLD ONTO. I am in an awakening stage of life where I am becoming consciously aware of so many thoughts that I wasn't before, or that I just took for fact. So much of what I have thought of as "fact", is simply a thought that can be changed. I can choose how I see the circumstances in my life, and that will affect my actions toward those circumstances. It's pretty cool to know I have all the power in my own brain.
