I Feel Too Much Nostalgia

What I know About Being Alive


Tonight I went through my childhood box, which is a large plastic bin full of old photos, school projects, journals, and drawings I collected from age 0 to about 13. I love looking through that old box. I feel a happy sadness, or a sad happiness, every time I do.

I get to go back in time to different eras, like when my parents were young and married, and my aunts and uncles were teenagers. I get to see what West Jordan looked like when many of its neighborhoods were still new developments. Looking at everybody I knew dressed in ninety's clothes is so fantastic.

I have a lock of my own hair in a bag from the year 2000. I don't know why it was saved. It must have been my first "major" haircut. My hair is a dark golden blonde, and it still feels just like normal hair. It's kind of gross but kind of cool to have. Does hair go bad?


Ryan and I were watching Ellen's standup special on Netflix while I was looking at my things. She has a moment where she talks about years ago, when she was sitting down and writing what it would be like to make a phone call to God. She didn't mean for it to be funny, but it was, and she knew it that moment that she'd do the bit on the Johnny Carson Show. Specific life events lead her to sit down and write that bit, and she has brought so much light to the world since then that it just made me think; the things she went through could not have been just a coincidence.

I believe that the things we go through happen for a reason and just as they are meant to. That belief could be argued, and I have played around with that idea in my mind many times. Some people have horrific things happen to them. Were those things always "meant" to be? I guess I don't really know, but I truly believe many things do happen because they are meant to for divine reasons. We are connected to all the humans that were, are, and will be, in the most intricate web ever woven. 

That would explain partly why I can feel nostalgia when I hear a song I've never even heard before, from a generation I wasn't a part of.

It's hard for me to accept change sometimes. I can feel sad looking at old photos when I realize life is not how it used to be. Even if life is actually better now it still makes me feel sad.


I am excited for the day that I won't be bound by time in the finite way I currently am. In the moments when I have felt like I have seen a glimpse of Heaven and God, I have sensed a timelessness and one-ness in all things.

I recently watched the movie It's A Wonderful Life for the first time. God was in that movie. It showed how important the actions each of us take on this Earth really are. We cause a ripple in the universe by existing. One quote that I felt summarized that whole idea really well was this: "Strange isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

Lava Hot Springs

This year marked our third time going up to Idaho for a mini-vacation after Christmas! I was truly looking forward to this all year long. I love Lava Hot Springs in the middle of winter. It is so quiet and still. The hot springs are magical and the Home Hotel that we stay at is quaint. We invited my mother and father in-law to come with us this year which was a fun bonus.

I got a new ring at the Trading Post store they have on Main Street that I'm very excited about, and I discovered some beautiful music that I'm mad I never listened to before. I didn't grow up listening to Bob Dylan so I am now making an active effort to listen to his songs. I found his song "Hurricane", and I listened to it five times in a row. I also listened to "When the Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash, which I hadn't heard in a long time. I found these songs while listening to a playlist made for the documentary Rodriguez, which started with his song "Sugar Man". There is so much music to be heard and appreciated.

On the drive home Ryan was contacted by Livermore National Labs, which he accepted a job offer with last week. He set an official start date with them of August 5th. That gives us enough time to finish Ryan's Master's degree and take a trip before we make the move to California. I am so grateful and excited.

On a side note, I ate so much chocolate this week that I am actually sick of it, and I'm breaking out all over my body. I love Christmas but I am happy it is over.




Ryan bought these slippers at Walmart on our drive up because he forgot to bring sandals for the hot springs. When me and his mom were teasing him about choosing pink women's slippers to wear he said, "I love these slippers, they're freaking cute."






To New Beginnings

This has been such a beautiful year in so many ways and I am so excited for what is to come. Ryan and I have some big changes coming our way.

dot dot dot.





Hair.

My Hair goes through many changes. I like to remember the different styles I try out. I do tend to switch it up every year or two, but even when I am not sitting in a hair salon the styles I have just tend to change, slowly over time. It is one way I can know that I am always moving forward.



Witch's Night Out / Halloween Time







Ryan's parents get me Halloween cereal every October because they are the best people.


Ryan and I dressed up as Bill and Ted this year! It was most triumphant.





Family photos




Just for fun... Some nostalgia.






Thirty Before Thirty

This has been the year of podcast listening for me. I have learned so much through listening to people like Jody Moore and Monica Packer, who help others to become their best selves through gaining a knowledge of where our thoughts come from and how they shape our lives.

My favorite podcasts so far are, in this order: Better Than Happy, About Progress, and The Doctor's Farmacy (Yes, FARMacy). I've been more than consumed with those podcasts these last several months and haven't yet added more to my list, but I will!

I recently listened to one of the About Progress episodes where Monica talked about making a list of 30 things you want to accomplish before turning 30. I felt like this would be such a great thing for me to make, because I will be 30 in FIVE YEARS. Okay, more like 5 and a half. I have been going through a strange period where I have suddenly accomplished many of my life goals and now is a great time to re-evaluate and make new goals for myself.

Before now most of my big life goals were made many, many years ago. I was probably between the ages of 12-13 when I came up with them. I decided I would one day run a marathon, which I did last year, and then again this year. I told myself I would visit France one day, which I did this year. I decided I'd go skydiving, which I did 3 years ago. I said I'd get married to a beautiful and good man, which I did two years ago! In high school I added meeting my favorite musician, Lights, to that list. I finally got to meet her this year in February. I have also always wanted to be fluent in a second language. I always thought it would be French, but turns out the Universe wanted me to speak Spanish. So I'll give myself a check on that goal as well.

Finishing my 1st and 2nd Marathons



Meeting Lights before her show. This was the 3rd time I have seen her in concert and the second time with my friend Hailey. :)



In college I created some meaningful and refining life goals for myself. I decided exactly which man I was going to marry. In my journal in September of 2011 I wrote, "There is someone who shares my dreams and adores me as much as I adore him. We have equal values and different strengths. I feel at home with him, and when he is not there I am often reminded of him by something like a song or smell. ...Time will uncover in these next two or three years if we are meant to be. When I am with Ryan I like who I am. With him, life is refreshing and comfortable. I know we could make a great couple for life." 

Then in October of 2012, while Ryan was on his mission, I wrote down my life goals. They were:

 1. Marry Ryan
2. Run a marathon
3. See the world
4. Help people everywhere I go
5. Get a college degree
6. Have children
7. Be the best wife/mom
8. Keep family and friends close
9. Design and build my own house
10. Be giving, be bright, be helpful

Then at the end of 2012, I had a new life-changing goal practically placed in front of me. President Thomas S. Monson announced that girls could now serve a mission at the age of 19. I had never wanted to serve a mission or even thought about it. Even when it was announced I didn't feel like it related to me at all. I was just barely becoming an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I was busy waiting for a missionary of my own.

I don't know why I never wrote down my experience of how I chose to serve a mission. It is one of the most special experiences I have ever had. At some point during the fall, I ran into my aunt and uncle at Whole Foods. They brought up that they were going to England in December to be with their family who lives there. They casually invited me to come and I excitedly accepted the invitation. That trip is what changed my mind completely. My aunt Anna and her husband Chris had met on their missions to Scotland. They talked a little bit about their mission experiences and I could see clearly how their decisions to serve were blessing their current lives and family. 

While in England, my uncle's father asked me why I wouldn't serve a mission. I realized I didn't have a good answer. Then on Christmas Eve, after praying to God and asking if I should serve, I had a dream that I was a missionary serving at the Visitor's Center in London. I was talking to a stranger in my dream and I felt a love for that stranger that I hadn't felt before. When I woke up on Christmas day I knew what I was going to do. I was going to serve a full-time mission. I told Anna that morning and tried not to cry, but I probably did. Then after opening gifts in the Hotel, I got to talk to Ryan on a 3-way call with his family. I told him my decision and he was thrilled.






That all happened in December of 2012, and in September of 2013, I went on my mission to Chicago Illinois. I served Spanish speaking and was lucky enough to be taught in the Mexico Missionary Training Center for 6 weeks before going to Chicago. That choice has shaped my life in so many ways. I can't even imagine never having served. It was honestly and truly one of the best and most important things I have ever done.

It is also probably the most documented period of my life, though not on this blog.

Okay. So now that I have listed all of my previous goals, it is time to create a new list. It should be pointed out that there are still some goals I made in years before that I haven't achieved yet. I do not have a college degree and I don't have any children. I also haven't "seen the world", only some parts of it. And I have yet to design and build my own house. 

I don't plan on seeing the entire world in the next five years, but definitely parts of it. Building my own house probably won't come until after I turn 30, which I am totally okay with. I am in no rush at all to buy and establish a forever home with my family. I'd actually consider it more of an accomplishment if we can live in small, inexpensive places, for as long as possible.

This is my list of things (big and small) that I want to do before I turn 30.

1. Visit New Zealand with Ryan for hiking and site seeing. Stay for at least two weeks.

2.  Go one month of doing some kind of meal preparation each Sunday night.

3. Receive a bachelor's degree.

4. Increase my Spanish language knowledge by minoring in it, or at least taking a Spanish class each semester. Also, talk to my Spanish speaking relatives in the language when I am with them.

5. Live outside of Utah.

6. Remake my workout routine and attend classes where other people go, instead of always exercising alone.

7. Have a job working with youth in a mentoring position.

8. Visit Scotland and Ireland.

9. Learn more about my own family history so that visiting Scotland may be more meaningful.

10. Go and visit my Granny Dee while she is playing piano downtown.

11. Make each place I live into a home.

12. Read the Book of Mormon beginning to end with a study theme in mind like I did as a missionary.

13. Read the New Testament beginning to end in Spanish.

14. Make time to hang out with each of my siblings.

15. Go on a girls trip. Make it happen.

16. Take Trinity out on sister dates.

17. Dress up for Halloween.

18. Surprise Ryan with something once a month.

19. Practice taking charge of my thoughts and emotions after listening to Jody Moore tell me how.

20. Go all in on the things I say I am going to do. This means fully committing to church callings, my job, etc.

21. Compliment those around me instead of criticizing.

22. Run another marathon in under 4 hours 30 minutes.

23. Go back to where I served my mission in Chicago and visit Atlanta where Ryan served his.

24. Choose to believe in God and the goodness of people.

25. Road trip along the west coast.

26. Have at least one baby with Ryan.

27. Own a pet.

28. Pay off all my student loan debt and my car.

29. Take notice of the things people like. Write those things down for gift ideas. Especially for Ryan. Also for myself.

30. Grow my hair out long again.

The end.

Autumn is Here








An Excerpt Into The Past

I was once a writer... as in there was a time when I wrote down my thoughts in creative ways.

I feel that I was extremely self-centered when I was in high school and highly naive, but my selfishness brought out a desire to express myself in a creative way that I still feel proud of today. I used to write things down, sometimes poetically, to offer insight for myself and others about what was going on inside of me. Some of my writing is hard to read because it reflects deep sadness and a non-awareness of the role of grace in my life. But most of it is fun to read and takes me right back to what it was like to be me once upon a time.

I was going through this blog to find old Fall photos and I found this little diddy I wrote about the seasons back in 2010. I edited a few of the lines so that it would make more sense. I could tell I had originally just written it down as it came to me and never made any changes. Here it is. Preface: I had a thing for not capitalizing any letters when it came to my own writing.


12/26/2010
my favorite season is fall because of the colors. and because halloween happens in the fall time. i love the leaves in the canyons and on the ground. i love the perfect excuse for tea and the transformation everyone can feel going on. i love the atmosphere it gives for viewing my favorite movies, which are mostly gray and twisted. my favorite season is winter because of the snow. also because of the desire it brings for a warm fireplace. most of my fantasies are thought up in the winter. going down town with that boy and coming back home to watch the snow and dance around in it afterward …sigh. i love the spirit and the seasonal movies like santa clause is coming to town and all the classics. i love snowboarding snowboarding snowboarding. my favorite season is spring because of the warmth. i love the fresh mornings and the memories i can re-live of waking up to the sound of the train at five am when i would sleep at my grandma’s. i love the flowers and being reminded of the color green again. i love the state of comfort at school and the rainy days. my favorite season is summer because of the fun. i love the pool and the lake. i love the trip to california and the sand getting in the crevices of my camera every time. i love sitting in the street barefoot and still feeling clean. i love liberty park and the excessive excuses for fireworks. i love the concerts and the snow cones. i love the new possibility of every day. every season is the best season (: