I feel the need to summarize what this year has been like inside my mind and I hope that my future years will be better as far as my mental stability goes.
I don't know if I technically suffer from a mental disorder because I've never actually asked a doctor to diagnose me. But whatever, here are the facts. I have never slept worse during the course of a year than I did this year. I have never lived daily life with as much fear and worry as I did this year. I have never felt as unstable, uncertain, and out of control as I did this year. Every "good" day and memorable experience from 2017 was coupled with fear that something would go wrong in some awful way. And that isn't an exaggeration. Every. Single. Experience. Came with my mind telling me that something was going to go wrong.
Every hike I went on was partnered with the thought of being confronted by a distraught animal. On every run the fear of being attacked by a bad man was in my head. Every time I would turn out the lights to go to sleep I'd lose my mind over not being able to have a clear visual on my surroundings. When I went to restaurants or to the movies I could never fully relax out of fear of a random gun attack. I really knew I had a problem when I couldn't just relax and have fun on my family trip to Disney. Driving in the car, being in an unfamiliar hotel, taking shuttles, going on rides, and being around crowds really took my mind for a trip.
I did some counseling last year and also was given a medication that was supposed to help me sleep at night. The counseling I received was helpful, and I should have continued with it instead of quitting when I started to feel better. I don't think the medicine is exactly what I needed but it's what I was given because at first my problems were really only happening at night. I have been somewhat anxious my whole life, and I have always been a cautious person too. But it wasn't until my mission and onward that I have had severe mind blocks that have made it almost impossible for me to experience life without fear of consequential death.
I think I've always had some social anxiety and ironically my ability to cope in social situations actually grew a ton at around the same time I started getting anxiety about life and death scenarios. I still experience social anxiety but I think this fear of dying is way more debilitating than worrying about what others are thinking about me.
It really started during the summer on my mission when I'd wake up in the night with strong heart palpitations and I didn't know what was going on. I just felt like I was going to die and I felt completely helpless and alone in those moments. During the day I was generally fine, but those nights were really intense.
And I think this problem has just slowly grown over time. There have been minor incidents that I've viewed as the reasons WHY I am like this. But I don't think they are the reasons. I think maybe they just flared up my already existing problem. I've just had really bad anxiety this year. That's the truth. The only person who has seen the bulk of it has been my husband and I'm sorry that I have to put him through it.
The anxiety I feel has taken away a part of who I am and has stopped me from doing things I would normally love - especially when it comes to physical activities outside.
I'm working on getting better because I really don't want to live the rest of my life in fear and worry. I want to be brave and above all I want to be happy. This year has been entirely full of incredible experiences and the fact that I have spent my time worrying that nothing is okay is just proof that happiness is a state of mind and nothing else.
