Christmas Time

Christmas Eve Sunday

I recorded Christmas this year, which may have been annoying or weird for some people. But I thought it was a fun little project. It was also the last Christmas Ryan got to have in his childhood home so I wanted to get some of that on camera.

After Christmas Ryan and I headed to Lava Hot Springs for a New Year's adventure. It was a peaceful weekend in cold and lovely Idaho.

  

Anxious Much?

I feel the need to summarize what this year has been like inside my mind and I hope that my future years will be better as far as my mental stability goes.

I don't know if I technically suffer from a mental disorder because I've never actually asked a doctor to diagnose me. But whatever, here are the facts. I have never slept worse during the course of a year than I did this year. I have never lived daily life with as much fear and worry as I did this year. I have never felt as unstable, uncertain, and out of control as I did this year. Every "good" day and memorable experience from 2017 was coupled with fear that something would go wrong in some awful way. And that isn't an exaggeration. Every. Single. Experience. Came with my mind telling me that something was going to go wrong.

Every hike I went on was partnered with the thought of being confronted by a distraught animal. On every run the fear of being attacked by a bad man was in my head. Every time I would turn out the lights to go to sleep I'd lose my mind over not being able to have a clear visual on my surroundings. When I went to restaurants or to the movies I could never fully relax out of fear of a random gun attack. I really knew I had a problem when I couldn't just relax and have fun on my family trip to Disney. Driving in the car, being in an unfamiliar hotel, taking shuttles, going on rides, and being around crowds really took my mind for a trip.

I did some counseling last year and also was given a medication that was supposed to help me sleep at night. The counseling I received was helpful, and I should have continued with it instead of quitting when I started to feel better. I don't think the medicine is exactly what I needed but it's what I was given because at first my problems were really only happening at night. I have been somewhat anxious my whole life, and I have always been a cautious person too. But it wasn't until my mission and onward that I have had severe mind blocks that have made it almost impossible for me to experience life without fear of consequential death.

I think I've always had some social anxiety and ironically my ability to cope in social situations actually grew a ton at around the same time I started getting anxiety about life and death scenarios. I still experience social anxiety but I think this fear of dying is way more debilitating  than worrying about what others are thinking about me.

It really started during the summer on my mission when I'd wake up in the night with strong heart palpitations and I didn't know what was going on. I just felt like I was going to die and I felt completely helpless and alone in those moments. During the day I was generally fine, but those nights were really intense.

And I think this problem has just slowly grown over time. There have been minor incidents that I've viewed as the reasons WHY I am like this. But I don't think they are the reasons. I think maybe they just flared up my already existing problem. I've just had really bad anxiety this year. That's the truth. The only person who has seen the bulk of it has been my husband and I'm sorry that I have to put him through it.

The anxiety I feel has taken away a part of who I am and has stopped me from doing things I would normally love - especially when it comes to physical activities outside.

I'm working on getting better because I really don't want to live the rest of my life in fear and worry. I want to be brave and above all I want to be happy. This year has been entirely full of incredible experiences and the fact that I have spent my time worrying that nothing is okay is just proof that happiness is a state of mind and nothing else.

California Vacation

Thanksgiving 2017

My mom decided to put together a surprise trip for my little sister's 10th birthday, which landed on Thanksgiving day this year. She bought the whole family tickets to Disney, California Adventure, and Universal Studios. We had a mini birthday party for Trinity on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving with ice cream cake and some small gifts, and then surprised her with packed bags and a card saying we are going to Disney. It was such a memorable experience for everyone.

I know my mom's favorite part of the trip was hanging out with everyone at the hotel room, eating food, chatting, and watching movies. It was fun to spend so many days with my mom and Gideon, my husband and my siblings.

My favorite moment from this trip was absolutely when we rode the ride through Hogwarts at Universal Studios. They made it so we felt like we were on the real grounds of Hogwarts as we were going through the line, which in itself was worthy of tears of joy. But the best part was going through the ride with my brother Boston. He was screaming and shouting spells out the entire time we were going through the ride. His reaction to the ride was something I can't explain and only people who know him would understand. It was hilarious and amazing.

Things I Want to Remember from 2017

I am absolutely obsessed with pictures and documenting life. Except I really suck at it. Doing this makes me sad I haven't put every other life event that has ever happened to me on this blog. But I am happy with what I have posted. After all, this blog is -literally- my journal.

So here are some out of order things that have happened in the year 2017.

I want to start with things not pictured. I am pretty sure this is the year that Ryan and I went and saw Regina Spektor and it was ohhhh soooo fabulous. I love her music with all of my soul. We also saw Manchester Orchestra, and other musicians that I can't remember right now. This is why I need written proof or photos of my life. Anyway, Here are some things:

(In another post - but this was taken on the Oregon coast)

 Ashton's baptism. This is the day I gave a talk on receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost and I cried uncontrollably the whole time I was speaking. Then I tripped on my way down from the pulpit. Good job Lennyx. But really, good job Ashton.

Camping at Payson Lakes. Seeing Ava catch her first fish with Ryan's help. Watching Chicken Run in the tent with Ryan and Stevie.

Hiking Kanaraville Falls for the 4th of July with Ryan, Boston, and Ashton. Staying in a tent the night before and laughing our heads off watching The Hot Chick.

 Babysitting Anna's kids the week of Mothers Day and taking them to Park City to swim and hang out with Ryan's Family. And having half my primary class be my blood relatives that Sunday since the Rogers and Menke's were gone which left us and the Barrington's to babysit.

 All the flowers that bloomed this year.

Breakfast at Penny Anne's with husband, brothers, dad, and Michelle, and grandpa and Patty. A simple summer morning.

Being in the mountains. Milcreek Canyon and American Fork Canyon

Backpacking Lake Blanche. Seeing a moose take a swim around the lake at sunset.

 

  Hanging out with Trin and seeing Beauty and the Beast.

Backpacking Naturalist Basin. The feeling of sweet relief when after hearing Tyson scream and flip out in the night... that it was just a night terror, and not a bear ripping him into pieces.

   Having friends to celebrate my birthday with.

Going to the zoo for my mother in-law's birthday.

Completing a 10-year long goal of running a marathon. And then getting in a nap after and waking up wondering if both my legs were broken. Then going to a Romero Family BBQ.

 Grandpa's 70th birthday in California. Seeing him so happy to have his whole family near.

 Ryan's graduation.

 Our 1 year anniversary spent buying like $200 worth of food that we couldn't begin to finish and then staying at a posh Park City hotel and watching Fairly Odd Parents and SpongeBob. Was that a run-on sentence?

 Oceanside Family Trip. I loved attempting to enjoy the harsh ocean waves with Ryan. But really I loved walking around the town and eating new food. And my private morning runs along the beach.

To be Continued...